Who are you? If you adore me so much let me know who you are. & I appreciate the kind words. But if you let me know who you are, maybe they can mean more.
Today I found it quite funny waking up and remembering the conversation that I had last night. There was a reason you called me around 2:15am was it? You had a point you wanted to make. There was something you were trying to make clear in my head. Despite all that was said and everything I made clear, what I kept repeating was not accepted. When asking you to respond with something, anything at all you chose not too. Which is understandable. But if you expected to try to put me in place or make me look like the bad person, that failed. I am not your past. I am not your past relationships. I made that so clear, I don’t get why there is still confusion upon that. Besides everything, there’s only one point I want to make completely clear. You had a chance last night, to say what you wanted to really say and “fix” this situation. But instead you chose to hang up. You. Chose to tell me you had nothing to say and hang up. That decision was yours. There is nothing I’m going to do to change your ways. I’ve done all I can to try to make you see, feel, realize that your past isn’t what you should be use too. No Matter what I’ve done though, you still chose to remain stuck upon that. So, technically you got what you wanted. I hope you are happy. This is the last post I’ll write about this.
Appreciate the kind words anonymous. But please, save it. I’ll be just fine.
I should have just stuck to my old ways, what the fuck was I thinking.
It’s been a while since I’ve taken time out to write about anyone or anything. I’ve kept myself occupied with real life matters I kind of let the social network side of myself fall off. Honestly, it’s a good thing I did that. It’s allowed me to take time out and actually find things to really write about. This summer, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve had my agrees to disagrees. I’ve met and worked with people I never thought I’d ever have the opportunity to work with. I’m apart of 4 different companies, including my own project that makes it 5. I’ve grown a lot, truthfully. I’ve accepted a lot of different things into my life and also let go of a lot of things I didn’t really need in my life. I thought I found love, but love turned into jealousy and jealousy turned into this black whole. Truthfully, in all my relationships and all my “flings” I’ve never once in my life taken the risk I had taken this summer. I never knew the amount of bullshit that could appear out of the blue all because you have feelings for one person. I had always sworn to myself that I could never be with someone who has some much baggage. Knowing myself, I made an exception because of how much I realized I care for one person. As always it’s started out as friends. I don’t even know if this is a story I really want to share. Being that I have indeed exhausted this whole situation to the point I’ve gone mad and reacted to things in ways I’ve never in my life known was inside of me. I’ve never gone so far out of my way to prove things to people, like this round. When everyone said no, I went against the odds and said “fuck it, who am I to judge someone.” I put up with unnecessary drama, I put up and did all I could when meeting the family. I went so far out of my way, that I ended up shoving my pride so far up my ass, it was like a daily route for me. Even though I got dirty looks, rude remarks, dumb jokes, interviews, etc I still stuck around..for you. When you had a bad day, I was there for you. I mean, everything you ever want to find in someone I had to give. For the longest time, I felt unappreciated just never bothered to say anything. The fact of the matter is, one incident I fucked up by building things in my head about someone else. Dude to feeling unappreciated, uncomfortableness, and the fact that every time I turned and looked it was right in front of me to over think, overanalyze, over everything. I let it go the first time, I told myself to relax let it go and just let it be. Things escalate from talking in person to talking through text and who knows what’s being said, how things are. I also let that go. But after a while, there was nothing to let go of and I just felt this black whole building inside me. I was jealous, there it is out in the open. But tell me, if you were me and I was you and you felt how I’ve felt after doing everything..tell me you would not feel how I felt? We argue, scream, say things that shouldn’t be said, then eventually make up. Next day comes rolling along, both of us are still on if terms yet we eventually spend the day together everything is fine. You’d think people would give a situation time for the flame to go out instead of add fuel to what’s still lit. In this case, fuel was added and the situation was back to square one. This time, I realized that no matter how you feel. If you think this is something you don’t deserve, if you feel I’m making it bigger than what it is, if you feel anything to let it fall upon me that is perfectly fine. Blame me until my gravestone goes down under. But the fact of the matter is, it takes two. & this isn’t healthy for either of us. So it ended. & As much as I am completely okay with this, there’s one thing that eats me up so much inside and that’s how much effort I put in with someone who was oblivious to how I felt towards them. To be truthfully honest, I’m never going to tell you what you can and can not do. I’m not going to not trust you unless given a reason not too. This was just something in my heart I couldn’t trust. Not even for a million dollars. & I’m sorry. I really am. You can tell me, that person will only be a friend nothing more. But I’ve heard that shit many MANY times in my life and ended out looking like a fucking fool. Just like you’ve been through the chase so many times, you don’t plan to chase. I’ve heard that phrase one too many times to let it slide. It’s unfair, I know. But I can’t trust it. If my gut says no, I go with my gut. It never let me down before. If I’m wrong, I’ll swallow my pride and accept it. But now you know my half of the story. & now you know why I haven’t responded. I do, I really really do appreciate all you’ve done for me. Being there, every time I needed you. I did my thing every time you needed me. I will continue to do so, believe it or not. But, just so you know. Every fucking time you write a negative blog or reblog something negative, it makes me want to push myself away from you even more. I’m not into publicity of my personal life, let alone my romantic life. So you keep putting shit out there, I’ll keep sitting here in silence. One day, you’ll have to talk to me face to face because at some point I’ll stop reading everything.
Frankly, I have lost my patience with people. I’ve lost my patiences with stupid, immature, dysfunctional mother fuckers who truly believe they’re some sort of importance in my life. I’ve lost my patience with liars, with thieves, with peoples lack of intelligence. With people saying one thing, and meaning another. With people who ask for so much yet act like you never did a God damn thing for them when you ask for something in return. With people who swear on their damn graves they’re getting somewhere yet they don’t even know which direction their going or how they wanna get there.
For those who tell me I’m not getting anywhere, and that who I know is a concept for attention. Well, you have another thing coming to you. Last time I checked, I’m doing business. You’re just a witness.